I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.
Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.
And she used to have such long ones. Sad.
sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
Also I owe you 20 bucks, a clean towel and a glass of scotch. I'll even throw in a blow job
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs
And you hate the library
Yea but I love drugs and my grades
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
