there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Make puking fun. Chug half a monster right before you blow. Throw up foam. Most unique experience ever.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
You tried paying your tab with the coaster
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize