Her body is shaped like a coke bottle...a two liter coke bottle
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
What do you want to swallow. Press 1 whiskey press 2 rum
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Is it bad that I tried to build an outfit based around "What do people who use condoms look like when they buy condoms?"
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Granted every 20 shifts of working there you seem to be on par to receive some sort of racy satisfying sexual encounter which money can’t buy
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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