New years is officially the only time its okay to drunk dial your parents.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I just used my glow stick from the dance to find my way in the bathroom to puke. Who wants me on their corporate team
I started blowing him in North Dakota, and I finished the job in Minnesota. Oh, the places road head can take you.
Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?
Most creative movie date proposition... ever.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
I have to have sex on a bidet. I'm not sure what kind, but it's reason #4 for an Italian vacation!
I just had sex on a roof
There's a hole in our hallway wall. Don't hate me. I'll fix it. It's only about the size of a beach ball. I promise to never scale walls in our apartment ever again. Don't hate me. I love you.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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