I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
is it sad that i can masturbate and get my big O just from thinking about a Tiffany engagement ring?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
dude my grandma just called my dealer. How does this shit happen to me
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
The only reason you haven't shit yourself yet is because you don't like having fun.
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