Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
You were taking in your sleep. You were like Jess that's that animal we were talking about and you Hugged her feet
I woke up hugging my purse and I found a business card in my underwear. How?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
He sent me a snap with the dog tongue filter. I might have to bench him.
I am putting clothes on to go find a brownie
In my experiences, brownies are better naked.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
