I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Dude, hurry and get over. I need a wingman. She is on her 6th vodka shot and her resident ugly friend is still sober
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?
Its everclear night, yall need carbs in your body!
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
Did you get an erection too during Paul Ryan's speech?
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
So I sniffed too hard this morning before work and I THINK THE COCAINE JUST STARTED ROUND 2.
Randomize
