Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
I dont know but I had two different hospital bands and half a pie when i woke up.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Seriously, it's 5am. STOP CREEPIN and START SLEEPIN!
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
And I broke things off with Justin last night. Except I texted him while he was asleep and then I was like well, that's probably not what he wants to wake up to, so I sent him a picture of the coconut I microwaved and caught on fire when I was really high one time.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
His sex game is strong it’s like a warlord’s dick! you know what I mean?
Nope
Randomize
