oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?
Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?
I hate you
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.
Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
Drinking a bawls. If I'm dead when you get home, yes, they are poisoned.
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
At least I made out with him before he made out with that dog...
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
The cops came, and I made friends with him. He wants me to babysit his kids.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
Randomize
