Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
I mean I sucked his dick at 3 AM... UNDERWATER. I think I have earned a follow back on twitter.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
Somehow I ended up in a different costume dancing with some tree of a guy in the basement bathroom, what did you give me?
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
His truck was very sexy. Unfortunately, shortly thereafter, I discovered that the whole overcompensating thing is very true...
so my dads pretending to use the snow blower and theres absolutley no snow one the ground.... someone should really lock our liqour cabinet
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