If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.
She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Sex last night was mind blowing. your wife is one lucky lady.
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
I'm spending my Sunday wishing the entire Patriots offense would let me touch their manhood
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
No matter how long you've been away, there's nothing quite like pooping at your parents' house
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
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