I want to give you a handjob with my mouth.
She had a bottle of NAIR in her bathroom, but she clearly hadn't been using it.
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.
They wont sell alcohol here on election day! HOW THE FUCK DO THEY EXPECT ME TO ENJOY THE ELECTION SOBER?
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
Just found my socks folded and in the back pocket of my jeans. Apparently drunk me refuses to lose shit after the panties incident over New Years.
I just had the best counseling appointment lets fucking rage
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I crawled to the bathroom this morning there were cornpops scattered on the floor? What was I doing last night?
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
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