I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Sneezing blood is a good thing right? Medically speaking.
I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.
The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
In the last 3 months, I've slept with an ex,someone single, someone in a relationship, someone married, and someone divorced. I should get some type of grown up girl scouts badge.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
Well supposedly when the cops came, they say I tried to get them in a conga line like Jim Carrey in The Mask. So....yea
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
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