so my daughter wakes me up this morning and i feel like a vibration so im thinking she has my phone..nope my vibrator
the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Oh you have a half-brother? Why that's right up my alley! Let's cause family strife
Tearing families apart since 2011.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
I will always make you feel special and slightly offended. That's my job.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
I really hope this is just a phase, because I am not capable of carrying both of our drunken whore asses through life. Too much dead weight....
Dude. Don't do acid and go to Disney on ice. Hear my warnings. That snow monster will fuck your shit up.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
You know it's a good May 2-4 when it involves 14 straight hours of vodka slush and garlic bread
Randomize
