I'm pants shitting drunk right now
thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Using pokemon references during sexual acts is always a good idea.
And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...
This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
sarah's view on last night: a threesome to make things less awkward. oh, well done.
Pooping to opera.
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
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