NEED BACKUP we are in the kitchen arguing about who would win in fight against lil Wayne and snoop dog
no weekend plans? you're practically married
just without the last name or joint bank account
i'd advise against both
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
OH GOD PAJAMAS ARE SUCH A HARD CONCEPT RIGHT NOW
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
Of course it may just be the context. A dish of dog food would look lovely next to your breasts.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
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