I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
Blood. All over. Pre coke adventure needs to slow down unless I'm involved
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I just remembered something. Did we really all flash the cab driver to get half off?
She seems less like a roommate, and more like a homeless person who snuck into your apartment.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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