I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
"must pass the hog line" should not only be used in curling. but also when we go out to pick up girls.
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
No, it wasn't really a sexy 'I'm going to go masturbate.' It was an 'I'm going to go masturbate' that implied I was going to drink a tall boy of Mikes and cry while I looked at lesbian porn.
I had a dream last night that I met Diplo. Now I'm just sad
Brah, we should get a "do not disturb sign"... I can't have people knocking on the door while I'm high, it fucks with me way too much.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
I mean the power was out what was I supposed to do
Randomize
