We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
She just threw the soap bottle at me from the ladie's room and keeps asking me when we left the bar and got on the boat.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
I hear sloppy seconds go great with fried rice
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
He surprised me with a puppy tail butt plug in his ass and wants me to fuck him
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Does it count as a threesome if your friend drunkenly has sex on top of you while you're passed out?
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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