So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Don't feel sorry for me. I'm getting Red Lobster and sex tonight. Nothing can bring me too far down.
I woke up on a navy base in a different time zone. I'm never leaving tallahassee again.
Did she owns a vibrator that will set off seismic activity.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I'm so high I have morphed into the monopoly man. Or maybe the Pringles guy. I don't know but I have a mustach now
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