I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.
my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.
I've made my dad a martini every night since I was 13.. I got this
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
You were cussing me out in sign language, and slurring your signs.
That's some kind of record drunk there...
I accidentally stubbed my dick
What does that even mean?
Randomize
