I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
im just gonna lie here and collect money in this whoppers bag while sprawled out on this bench and explain that its to buy weed for my hangover
It's just weird. It's like Big Bird dating Meg Griffin.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
answer my text you professional douchebag
and i mean that in the cutest, flirtiest way possible
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
How is your new roommate working out
We are drinking at the laundromat. And will probably have sex later. So...pretty good.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Now all my porn is stored in my parents’ basement. It’s like a part of my soul is boxed up
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