the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.
does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.
Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.
we can't get the sharpie off the toilet seat from where you pressed your forearm with THUG LIFE written on it while you puked until 3 last night
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
You know i'm the father figure
Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
The only way I'll cross anything off my to do list today is if I write 'eat melted cheese' on it
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU
MANY MANY THINGS AND MOST OF THEM ARE YOUR FUCKING FAULT
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Randomize
