p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life
shit pants at work. discarded underwear.
just showed this text to the guy at west elm. luckily we did not stool ourselves in the midst of the ensuing hilarity. so you're commando now?
yep! most awkward part is that i was a few feet away from a client, talking and looking him in the eye. i've never stooled while looking someone directly in the eye.
yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.
Best friends brother. Beat that.
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
On an unrelated side note: I shall now attempt to crawl to the bathroom. Where I will lay motionless on the cold ceramic bathtub with hot water pouring over my shivering body as I desperately try not to vomit. Good day.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Benefits of having to stay in jail for the weekend: learned how to make my own make up out of colored pencils. Also how to make use of toothpaste for hair products. Downfall was probably getting hit on by a murderer. Only me.
Good news, my sex bruises are fading. Bad news, my boobs look like I have a skin disease because of it.
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
Its like people have to train for months before they try and drink with us and survive...
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
