Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
I'd give my left nut to see you
don't do that. I like the set
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
She's trying to put on her dog muzzle on her self
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
Drinking hard cider in a room full of freshman girls. Never felt so secure of my manhood
I probably wouldn't
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
He's attempting to seduce me with thanksgiving-themed sexual metaphors... It's working.
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
How's work going?
Boring. I have a cat on a leash right now
Randomize
