i think guys can sense when i'm not wearing underwear
if you were to get worldwide popularity from playing guitar with a plastic yellow bat while drunk on YouTube, would you hate me?
I just used my med student white coat as ID to buy beer at 9 in the morning
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
... drunk me broke the coffee table?
STOP TALKING ABOUT YOURSELF IN THE THIRD PERSON. YOU DID THE THING.
Tried to shave my legs but the rug burn on my knees from last night got in the way.
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
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