Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
people will do anything to get on MTV. like get pregnant.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
My parents heard us going at it in their tent. I told my mom it must have been a bear looking for food. I don't think she bought it. She deliberately chose this park because bears haven't been sighted here in years.
You don't even know. The entire marching band thinks I'm an alcoholic.
Don't drink and shop. I went for happy hour and came home with a fog machine. I now have no other choice but to scare the shit out of my neighbors with it.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
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