yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt
Anal astronaut?
Wow word travels fast.
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
why weren't you at the audition last night?
booty call before role call
yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.
i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I don't really know how to say this, but I have an oven mitt to return to you tomorrow..
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
He said I was doing well, so I stopped mid blow job to compliment his grammar. You could say I like intellectuals
He's going to wonder why I have burn marks on my asshole
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Randomize
