It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
I JUST FOUND AN INTERNATIONAL POLE DANCING CHAMPIONSHIP IN SPANISH
I'm in that weird half-dead, half fucked-simultaneously-in-every-orifice-by-a-bus-and-it-wasn't-a-good-time state.
"I gave a guy a handjob last night, on a dog bed, inside a fireplace. It's going to be a good year."
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
Pro tip: When you spend the afternoon banging your boss, don’t meet your mother-in-law for dinner if you still smell like cum and watermelon flavored lube
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