Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
no you're not listening to me HE WANTED TO BRAID MY HAIR
I literally ate my thanksgiving dinner while getting a lapdance. And honestly, after that, there is no other way.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.
The other day, he sent me a snapchat of his dick in the forest. He captioned it "nature nudes."
You need to stop telling people you gained weight over the holidays. You've been fat since July.
Hypothetically speaking - is it bad if you get cut off at an airport bar at 11:30am?
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
COME TO THE TOP OF THE MOUNTAIN AND I WILL GIVE YOU MY SAGE ADVICE.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
