I'm scared
There's nothing to be scared of. My penis is average size.
That's what I'm afraid of
i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.
Four minutes until I can fart!
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
FYI, grandma is already drunk and using a bed sheet as a table cloth.
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
My cat is staring at me while I drink my wine on the bathroom floor in the morning instead of attending class. Sorry mom and dad. Sorry cat.
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
It was hands down the most magical fuck I've ever had
It was the only fuck you've ever had..
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
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