Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
He is an equal opportunity slut.
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
When you get home...find me in the shower. Only safe place at the moment.
Our DD has become famous. Strippers are asking to be handcuffed to him.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
My body is telling me there was tequila. My pictures say it was Jeff's fault
I'm going to invent an ap that tests your stress levels before texting and will say something like "nope, go rub one out and try again in 10 min"
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
He goes "what would you say if I told you I like to get it in?" def a potential soulmate right there.
Randomize
