Why don't you ever send me any naked pics
We were so bored at work tonight that we were in dry storage taking turns pouring the boxed wine we use for cooking into each others' mouths. I think I'm starting to understand the "problem" aspect of "drinking problem."
Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
he conducted the entire waffle house into singing the song Oklahoma. He was wasted.
If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
Yehhhaaww I'm way ahead of you. I'm gunna get her a card that says " I'm sorry your now ex boyfriend decided to upgrade"
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
