dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.
how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i was like his sober eyes girls would come up to us, show us theirs and if approved by me blew him, if rejected they went to my truck with a bottle of patron
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
I'm gonna get drunk in the shower and yell at my parents during dinner. Have fun in Texas.
You thanked me for a delicious cock and tacos...
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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