I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?
i signed up to donate 10 dollars a month to help the children that are being displaced in columbia because of the drug wars.. i felt obligated
Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
I woke up to see that I had ripped my boxers into a loin cloth because we were watching last of the mohicans
i seriously haven't spoken to him since i drunk dialed him and told him i loved his beard
Thank you contacting dial-a-boner. Currently, our boner is on a run to service another client. You can either wait 2 hours for service, or share concurrent service with the current client.
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Randomize
