Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
well my grandpa saw your dick pic, so why don't you tell me how my day is going
But if I live with you I'll help pay rent. Only if you promise no 50 shades of what the fuck internet hookups
you made cordon bleu at 4am and declared you were Marshall Stewart
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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