Can you believe The 5th Element didn't get best fight scene in 1997?! I'm still bitter. 12 years later.
Haha how do you remember that?
HOW COULD I FORGET?!
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
drunken yoga. on the beach. senior week. you have been chosen <3
He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
Is it rude if I don't go?
No. It is not rude if you don't go to her cat's Star Wars themed birthday party.
My husband just came over to kiss me and said, "careful, I got a block of cream cheese in my pocket"
Are you ok?!
I assume I've stopped bleeding because I haven't passed out, but can't verify currently.
New holiday tradition. Eat all the Xanax in the am, then wake up later after festivities and eat all the leftovers
MY HAND WILL BE UP HIS ASS IF HE DOES NOT APOLOGIZE FOR WHAT HE DID. IT WON'T BE THE GOOD-FEELING KIND OF "HAND-UP-ASS" EITHER.
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
He took home that trashy slut from Bama but a NFL Lineman was just in my DMs so... who’s the real winner here
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Randomize
