Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
I miss waking up knowing you're passed out under my bed.
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
It was a perpetual wrestle for who got to be on bottom. Laziest hookup ever.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Dick sucking on arrival? or would you like to cash that in later?
She had a tattoo of Luke Bryan on her thigh and she made me waffles. Can I have two fiancees?
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
Well I'm in a stranger's bed.
Gotta leave to watch the Lions
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
listen I need taco bell and an orgasm within the next hour. I'll leave the order in which you provide those things up to you
You’re like one of those doomsday preppers, but for your vagina
Randomize
