it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
Ughhhh. Finnnneeeeee. I'll have sex with your brother. Sheesh. The things I do for you woman.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Well I may have gotten laid but I over drafted buying pizza so I think that negates everything
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
