I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over
Some guy is walking around the bar with his dick out. Health code violation?
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I literally told her "she's a sandwich I'd like to make" and that's all it took
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
List 10 things your GF won't do for you, and we can work through that list.
so let me get this straight... she's showing a cameltoe that can be seen from the space station and I'm NOT supposed to stare?
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
what are you up to?
it's 8pm, i've already showered and gotten in bed. if you wanted to make plans u should have asked 3 months in advance
Randomize
