Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
I could be wrong, but im pretty sure i jumped off the roof after my lighter.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
I know you're on a date and I should leave you alone but about twenty minutes ago I realized I haven't been spanked in years so if you're still looking for a birthday present, you know, consider it.
I don't even care if you were high. The fact that I've been begging for us to have those cinnamon rolls for months and you didn't even save me one is not ok.
Thinking about licking your asshole. And hugs and stuff too I guess.
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
Randomize
