I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.
I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.
1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.
1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Are there any plans to where i might need to be dressed semi-nicely or is it a "pants optional" weekend?
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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