If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
I don't really want to explain what i mean by this so just answer yes or no. are 5 cows enough?
Note to self: dont wear a butt plug for several hours and then go gym and try and do squats
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Randomize
