God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.
Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Is selling savings bonds for acid money something a normal person does?
I HATE HIM SO MUCH I HOPE HE GETS IN SOME WEIRD ACCIDENT WHICH MAKES IT IMPOSSIBLE FOR HIM TO NUT
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
isnt it crazy how for years we were living our owns lives, and now only a wall seperates us?
stop. eating. my. shrooms.
we should paint friendship bongs
Randomize
