she then came into the room and yelled I'M GOING TO BE A COCK BLOCK for 5 minutes
don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
No worries you cant actually turn into a wine snob if you brew it in your closet....
She wants an explanation of my cousins creepy foot fetish with my god sister. i don't know how I can sum this up in a text.
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
She tried to sing jingle balls while blowing me
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
Getting a blow job while breaking up with my gf helps cope with the pain... Kinda weird her best friend is giving me the BJ
Okay, so when I go to meet your grandma, let's do a quick cum check to we don't have another "what's that on your face?" situation.
Hmm, peanut butter and Xanax. Next Ben and Jerry's flavor.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
Randomize
