well I can't set my house on fire every night
would you consider him our boss?
technically yes
then technically i slept with our boss
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
He kissed a someone with a penis
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
The only monogamous relationship I can keep is with my eyebrow lady...
I'm glad you threw up in my bed because now we talk.
idk what the male equivelent of vajazzling is but it better be worth the time
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
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