My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
Wow. I feel like a bad friend. My fuckbuddy wished you a happy birthday before I did. The reality of that just hit me.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
Randomize
