Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous
My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
I gambled and lost. Had to pull into a funeral home to clean up with a copy of my resume.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
then we talked for a little and he asked my last name which since I have yet to get a fb request I'm 95% sure its for a restraining order
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
Really, thanks for buying me caribou, it helped me out. Today will forever be the day I threw up in a caribou cup in the skyway outside of chipotle.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
My mom just told me the story of how she met my dad through prison. How was your saturday?
Basically taped my dick down because it's too obvious in this costume...
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
It's been so long since I had sex I might propose to the next girl who will sleep with me.
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