I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I paused mid sex to tell him I wished I'd taken up barrel racing so I could ride better.
He told me I was the only person he wanted to fuck in his rental mini van. Thats so romantic for a fuck buddy relationship.
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
It feels like a bunch of leprechauns are using my brain as a soccer ball
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
And for some reason every time I get drunk I just want to tell you that I have a mini secret personal fan club of your dick
ICE CREAM AND CAKE BITCHESSSSSS
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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