omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch
you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still
Once you mention butt plugs, conversations always take a turn for the worst.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
She got called into work early but she left me a note that had directions to her roommates stash of weed on top of a two bacon and egg mcmuffins. I think I win.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
How many fucks given?
0.12846
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
I think the pizza guy was in shock..
Well I didn't mean to answer the door only in socks but I mean come on, 4 hours of sex works up an appetite! I WAS RAVENOUS
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
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