pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
a cemetary is a place for people to rest in peace and you just spermed all over their land
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"
I lost a little respect for your boyfriend when I learned that he has a scar from a Cheerio.
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
the liver wants what the liver wants
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
What happened last night? I'm too scared to get out of bed and see the destruction.
First of all, check to see if that naked guy is still alive. He didn't look to be breathing when I left
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
