God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
When she says 'Polish hangover cure' she just means more vodka. Don't do it.
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
It was great. Except he kept asking me to lick his butthole, I was like firm no
Someone drank my pedialite!
YOU drank your pedialite. I watched you chase shots with it!
How... how did you get Adam Lambert's shoes? Does he know you have them? DID YOU STEAL ADAM LAMBERT'S SHOES?! Oh my God I am so turned on right now.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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