Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.
I Can't even believe I threw all my pizza rolls at her, I mean not only did i ruin a good meal but now I dont have anymore
ok, i suppose pissing your pants could be considered a wardrobe malfunction.
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm very impressed by your ability to explain a story about your fiery snatch solely in emojis. props.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
She flashed us last time and pissed all over the floor this time. I'm scared to invite her back.
Should I bring my 4 pairs of bunny ears? Or is that too weird?
4 pairs might be a bit much
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
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