so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
I woke up to her staring at me in a corner moaning over and over again about how good the pie crust tasted
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
So you're mad that I let you go home with the guy with soft hands but yet you can't understand that I was just trying to help you
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
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